what, then, is it?
There are many ways that society has defined dating. For all intents and purposes for this manuscript, dating will be an umbrella term, defining the stages of a relationship between meeting someone for the first time and “Will you marry me?” Dating is a time period, a “during,” in which two people get to know each other with the possibility and intention for knowledge, trust, and intimacy to keep growing. Dating is not to be confused with a date, which is a singular event.
In different cultures dating looks vastly different. You would never catch a Korean couple kissing in the subway, and you would never catch a white couple from the American midwest sporting couple outfits––everything matching down to “couple rings” (not engagement rings) and shoes––day to day. Dating in 16th Century Scotland probably looked very different from what dating looked like in 1980s Baltimore. Cultural and generational context is key in developing a working definition of dating––keyword: working. The cultural and generational context will continue to evolve as both evolve over time. The things that work now will not work forever. What was an expression of affection and intention in the year 2005, like slyly slipping a classmate a CD burned with romantic music, is no longer commonplace or relevant in 2020.
What is discussed in this book is not a how-to because the “how-to” of dating will change. What will not change is the fact that this is our story; our narratives become history. We are cognizant of the fact that the details of what is discussed in these pages will not be relevant in the near future. But we are writing for this moment, for this time, for this generation, seeking to be self-aware and holding our practices with open hands, with the hope that in our generations following unhelpful and unhealthy patterns will not reemerge.
Narratives drive culture, and in turn culture drives narratives. Narratives do not change, they are built: layers and layers of experiences that are codified into a script that we live off of. But the script, the culture that results from our narratives and the culture that prescribes it, shifts as more experiences, data points, information, and emotions are added. This can be true of all areas of behavior, from the macro to the micro level, from the systemic to the personal. We need to look at the narrative to understand the derived culture with any hope of changing it. Culture gives us no agency to change anything, but our narratives, especially with the help of the Gospel Narrative, are open to interpretation and even healing that will then shift culture. The narrative is the point of entry for change.
I believe that my particular tradition of Christianity (my narrative) authored, albeit unintentionally, a highly problematic and toxic dating culture (my script). A high value on purity and sanctification produced a script of shame and fear. If any of this resonates with your experience of dating culture as a Christian, great! You’re not alone. The are unhealthy things and unhelpful things that we learned about dating. And to undo them, to pursue a new script that gives life to its participants, Kyle and I have had to take a deep look into our own personal narratives.
There are several major social factors that influenced and will continue to influence my narrative. Kyle and I use the acronym S.E.N.D.P.E.A.C.E, a tool from our Emotionally Healthy Activist training, to help guide our understanding of the deep things that shape us.
Sexuality
Experience
Nationality
Deity
Political Philosophy
Ethnic Identity
Age/Generation
Class
Education
The three social factors that I have found most relevant to my understanding of dating have been ethnicity, faith, and family. In other words, my ethnic culture, my faith culture, and my family culture (things I don’t necessarily have any power over) have been the major shaping forces of my dating script, and by examining these shaping forces and asking for a cross-centered kingdom mindset to overrule them, I invite God’s heart and his healing to break into my dating life.
Previously, we had established what dating is not. What, then, is it?
For me, the answer has become increasingly simple, as the Gospel I understand becomes increasingly simple. Dating, like every other relationship, is honoring the image of God in a significant other. When I see Kyle, I hope I’m asking myself, “What does God think about this man?” and “How can I call forth the fullness of his original design?” Of course, there are so many complicated elements that contribute well or badly to a healthy dating relationship. But the goal of loving my significant other and seeking Jesus and Jesus’ destiny for that other must be held prime before the pursuit of other things like communication, commitment, purity, and emotional health are considered. This, much like my faith, takes a daily repentance. Every day I am tempted to make my relationship with Kyle about my needs, or even about his needs, or my story, or his career, or our families. And every day I know I am called to recenter my dating relationship on the grace of the cross and the mission of the kingdom.
